Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Crouching Kelly, Hidden Soap

Kel, what the hell have you been up to?

I done gone to Canada! Noelle and I went to Montreal for the weekend. I'd forgotten what a strange city it is. It's seedy and confused. But also contains beauty and sweet people. And the food...

So first we passed though Burlington, VT, and got our dirty hippie groove on. Also, we checked out the local art scene:

And, like out of an Irving novel, a man walked a bear right by our table. Unfortunately, my clumsy, fat fingers got in the way. 
'Ello hippie man and hippie band and hippie vendors on Church Street!
Cheers, leapfrogging chillens!
Soon we were being interrogated at the border. Bonjour yourself, you sexy bitch you!
Quebec takes two things very seriously: hideous housing and a stance against any Footloose-like shenanigans.
Checking out the small print, my limited French leads me to believe that the forces of the universe and all the men of creation cannot stop the possibility of balloon knot explosion. Who knew Canada could be so scary? Fire in the hole!

Noelle looks so composed after several drinks.

Kelly: Montreal is known for its fur trade and prostitution.
Noelle: So its fur trade . . . and its fur trade.

You can tell how far into the bag I am when my eyes are barely open but I'm laughing like a hyena. Wheeee!
But no matter my condition, this bullshit is unacceptable. Honey, stick your ass cheeks back into your fucking pants already! We all know you have an ass. We have them too. Give the boys a little something to dream about, k?
Eat it, Canada! 
I thought this was a burrito joint, but Noelle says it's a hookah bar. Ha. We saw lots of hookahs walking the streets of Montreal.
Here's where we stayed.
We stayed at an apartment that had questionable art, including what appears to be a nipple above my pillow:
Some freaky shit drawn on the walls; sometimes strings of text written around an entire room. I did the same thing when I was five and drew a map so I could play weather girl. I think Mom was as impressed by my art as I was by this art. At least I didn't give the landlord, Sergio, a spanking for his shitty wall art. Ahem. (Kidding, Mom. Sheesh.)

Can we talk about this bathroom? Showering required kneeling. It was a game of Crouching Kelly, Hidden Soap.
Quick--does anyone have a bottle opener? Or a GIANT COCK?
Vieux Montreal is vieux and pretty
And this quiche Lorraine was better than receiving a pony for Christmas.

I feel itchy. Do you feel itchy? Noelle?

Ben Franklin used to hang here. As Noelle put it, "He got around." 
Mmm, enjoy that clean Canadian air! Must be all the trees!
Promising and dodgy!
Okay, let's slow it down. It was hot as fuck, well, everywhere this past week. While Noelle is a salt gal, she indulged my sweet tooth by suggesting we go to a chocolate bar to escape into air conditioning. Let me repeat that: CHOCOLATE BAR. This, my friends, is dark chocolate with port, warmed, then topped with a scoop of raspberry sherbert. I had an orgasm right there at the table while Noelle calmly plotted our next move.
I don't see myself EVER buying these crackers. Partly because of the shitty drawing, partly because the word "pungent" is a red flag to me. I think this box was done by the same artist who did our apartment.

An excellent decision--sangria streetside. Good convo too.
Vicky! Word!
At McGill. I like him.
Ha ha. Couch tard! But old-school with extra letters, like candy shoppe! Whatever, the fucking owl gets it.
Yeah, I walked through this. I fucking hate people, but it was still beautiful.
I sincerely feel this guy's pain. When I was seven, someone did a caricature of me on water skiis. They drew three lines and a bubble coming out of my butt to denote action. Yeah, Cafe Bistro Toot action, maybe.
You have not had a breakfast as good as this one. I promise you. I don't care where you've been. It's just not as good. It might have something to do with the incredible amount of salt involved. No matter. I would marry this breakfast.
Shit, check out that giant cock!
So the locals were all "What staircases?" and "What do you mean Montreal is known for its winding staircases?" Okay, you may be an adorable young man working in a CHOCOLATE BAR, but we need to have a talk. Because Montreal is known for its winding staircases. Noelle seriously indulged my hunt. 

CHOCOLATE BAR guy probably doesn't know that Montreal is also known for its pesky derby hat situation.



  1. You saw a bear and didn't tell me??

  2. You saw a bear and didn't tell me?
    Even when squinting??