Sunday, August 30, 2009

Thoughts while meditating

I am neither practiced nor skilled in the art of inner silence. This was my attempt at meditating this afternoon.

Kelly, focus. Unfocus, rather. Stare at that center spot. Motorcycle. Can't wait for fall. This weather is great. What the hell is [person's] problem? Seriously?! Fuck it. Ugh, stop thinking. Dark dark dark dark dark. Not focusingggggggg. I didn't order my prescriptions. I'll never finish Infinite Jest. Motorcycle. Dark dark dark dark. Will I feel spunkier with a tattoo? It's silly, but I think I will. Once in a while anyway. Air-o-plane. What if I lived in Brooklyn? Would I change? Will a difference in geography really allow me to be more of the "me" I want to be? Is NH holding me back from being true to part of myself? It's good that spending time with [person] takes me outside my comfort zone a little. I need it. And I feel safe. What is wrong with me? Dark dark dark dark. Ooops--nothing, nothing, nothing nothing. What diet is best? I mean should I just work on portion control, or eliminate certain bad foods from my diet? I'm thinking portion control is not going to work for me. It makes me angry. It's like telling a crack addict to cut back a little. That's why I hate Ellie Krieger. Three almonds does not a snack make. Is she for real? Nothing nothing nothing nothing. I think I would be a better person if I were with someone--that didn't come out right. I don't think I'm not a good person. I just need more. Ugh. I mean, I would not be able to hide if I were with someone. I would have to make dinner. I'd have to make plans. I'd have someone to split the bills with. I'd have . . . sex? This isn't meditating at all. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Motorcycle. Truck. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Oooooooohhhhhhmmmmmmm. As much as I'm annoyed that [person] hasn't called, it's probably better that [person] didn't call before I meditated. I think I feel a little calmer now. Sun. Warm. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. Nothing is still something, right? Shit, I'm horrible at this. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. Fuck it, I'm going to eat some peanut butter.