Weekends are supposed to be relaxing

I had anxiety all weekend. After a long, stressful week, I had my heart set on hiding in my apartment, quiet, work-free, and relaxed. But the weather. The incredibly sunny, mild weather had me feeling guilty. I did not go outside. And I know that a few months from now I will always be cocooned in my apartment on the weekends, so it ate at me, but I just couldn't do it. Couldn't leave.

I appreciate all of the things I am allowed to do--or not do--because I am single. I have no partner to answer to, no children to feed. And sometimes that's exactly the thing that gets me down. But this weekend it was nice. For example, today went something like this:

5 a.m.: Wake to cat taking a leisurely bath on top of me. Not bad; 7.5 hours of sleep check e-mail, check Facebook, cross stitch one sheep on my latest endeavor. Begin making a week's worth of oatmeal and sort out all dirty clothes (which is almost all of them).

7 a.m.: Figure it's okay to go downstairs and begin doing laundry. Brush teeth first. One load of whites, one load of darks. Hang wet clothes throughout apartment in skillful and clever ways. Keep eye on oatmeal. Take pills. Stitch another sheep. The microwave timer is set for the wash (30 minutes for washer; 60 minutes for dryer) and the stove timer is set for the oatmeal. Dole out oatmeal into separate Ziploc containers. Top each with brown rice syrup and raisins. Eat a bowl for breakfast.

9 a.m.: Done with laundry. Begin watching Ghandi on TV while doing some backstitching. Movie is boring as shit, yet sort of gripping. Flip back and forth between that, Sleepless in Seattle, and Clean House.

10 a.m.: Christ, how long is this Ghandi film? I begin to flip through the channels and find John Cusack (insert sound of squealing breaks). Serendipity. That's sweet. I forgot all the Nick Drake in that movie. Oh, that I could be so lucky as to find John Cusack lying in the middle of the ice rink in Central Park at night.

noon: Playing online, looking at blogs about minimalist lifestyles. Decide to tear apart my bedroom, which is cluttered and driving me nuts. Spend substantial time pulling shoes, clothes, and jewelry that I don't need/want. Closet looks spectacular. Some drawers are empty. Bed is made. I'm amazing.

2 p.m.: Starting to feel depressed--I'm losing the day. Work tomorrow. I begin to clear my desk in the office. Sort through cross stitch materials. Suddenly wonder how much one person should spend on food each month. Google for a while. No good answers, but general consensus is about $100/month. What do these people eat? What do I spend? I have no idea. Begin looking at cookbooks. I should eat more fiber. Fiberous foods are filling and cheap. Beans, lentils . . . Stomach growls, so I order a pizza.

4 p.m.: Actual pit in stomach over the fact that the weekend's almost over. Hit "send" on an e-mail I shouldn't have written. Shed a tear or two. Realize that a truly lame Jason Biggs movie is on. Look around apartment. Flip over damp clothes hanging everywhere. Consider what I want my office/craft room to look like. Wonder why I am such a mess. Look at an indepth yoga/muscle book. Do a few stretches. I am completely inflexible. I can't keep sitting all day, like I do at work. It's killing me. My back always hurts. My hamstrings are completely tight. I lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. Cat watches.

5 p.m.: Begin writing a pep-talk-type page to myself ("Be more firm," "Say what you mean," "Slow down"). Put pen down and write a completely boring blog entry.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's healthier to push myself to go "out there" or to rest and regroup for the week ahead. I figure if I'd left the house I'd have wished I was at home. Tough break.

For a song . . .

I'm digging the song "Lover" by Devendra Banhart these days. It's on the soundtrack of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (sigh . . . Michael Cera). And I am so grateful that as an adult my mood still can turn around simply with a good song. It's the difference between simply driving to work and being pumped up by the time I pull into the parking lot at work. Hmmm. I probably should make a "to work" mix.

On the topic of simple pleasures, sometimes a green light feels like a victory. Granted, my days of driving through Dorchester and the North End are way behind me, so I have little room to bitch, putting about in New Hampshire. But please appreciate that on my four-mile commute I encounter about 14 traffic lights. It can be the difference of 15 minutes in my ride (wow, yeah, I just whined about 15 minutes). However, today, my friends, I hit a green light at Weeks Circle! Victory was mine!! I actually laughed as though I was getting away with something as I sped up to get through.

So, good song and green light. Kelly 2, cruel world 0.

At one of the red lights I did stop for, the car ahead of me had a homemade bumper sticker that read, "Got whiskey?" I was amused. Not only is it better than the "Gut deer?" stickers I'm accustomed to here, but it is ballsy. Little brother let me borrow his car once or twice when I had my first "real" job. He had a bumper sticker that read, "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole." I always backed into my parking spot, up against the woods at the far end of the lot. It didn't exactly scream "Promote me!"

So once at work, it turned out all of my meetings were canceled. Ha! Kelly 3, cruel world 0.

But damn did my back hurt all day. I've been having more "really bad back" days this summer than I'm used to. Doesn't bode well. Kelly 3, cruel world 1.

But then I worked diligently and got through more than 300 e-mails today. And I took a lunch break. And I left at a reasonable time. Kelly 6, cruel world 1.

Now, I'm fed and resting, watching John Cusack on TV. The sunset over Somersworth on a clear night, like tonight, is serene and beautiful. Light pink and purple slowly becoming gray. The cat is purring, and so am I. While the day was not a shut out, I still think I came out on top.

Thoughts while meditating

I am neither practiced nor skilled in the art of inner silence. This was my attempt at meditating this afternoon.

Kelly, focus. Unfocus, rather. Stare at that center spot. Motorcycle. Can't wait for fall. This weather is great. What the hell is [person's] problem? Seriously?! Fuck it. Ugh, stop thinking. Dark dark dark dark dark. Not focusingggggggg. I didn't order my prescriptions. I'll never finish Infinite Jest. Motorcycle. Dark dark dark dark. Will I feel spunkier with a tattoo? It's silly, but I think I will. Once in a while anyway. Air-o-plane. What if I lived in Brooklyn? Would I change? Will a difference in geography really allow me to be more of the "me" I want to be? Is NH holding me back from being true to part of myself? It's good that spending time with [person] takes me outside my comfort zone a little. I need it. And I feel safe. What is wrong with me? Dark dark dark dark. Ooops--nothing, nothing, nothing nothing. What diet is best? I mean should I just work on portion control, or eliminate certain bad foods from my diet? I'm thinking portion control is not going to work for me. It makes me angry. It's like telling a crack addict to cut back a little. That's why I hate Ellie Krieger. Three almonds does not a snack make. Is she for real? Nothing nothing nothing nothing. I think I would be a better person if I were with someone--that didn't come out right. I don't think I'm not a good person. I just need more. Ugh. I mean, I would not be able to hide if I were with someone. I would have to make dinner. I'd have to make plans. I'd have someone to split the bills with. I'd have . . . sex? This isn't meditating at all. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Motorcycle. Truck. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Oooooooohhhhhhmmmmmmm. As much as I'm annoyed that [person] hasn't called, it's probably better that [person] didn't call before I meditated. I think I feel a little calmer now. Sun. Warm. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. Nothing is still something, right? Shit, I'm horrible at this. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. Fuck it, I'm going to eat some peanut butter.

I figured we're past the halfway mark and I might consider checking in on my New Year's resolutions. Let's see how Kelly's doing, shall we?

1. Drink more. Check!
   
2. Drink with artists. Some of my drinking friends doodle--check!
   
3. Wear cuter underwear. Hmmm. There are still several months left to the year.
   
4. Read the books on my shelves. Cookbooks, yes. But my rate of purchase definitely outdoes my rate of reading.
   
5. Get regular haircuts. I have given myself two trims in my own bathroom. Not doing well with this one.
   
6. Less TV. Crap. Not doing well on this front either. A little, but not much.
   
7. Put pen to paper, fingers to keys. Check! Though not nearly as much as I ought to (and you wouldn't know by looking at this blog that I write anything more than resolution lists and occasional, strange essays.
   
8. Read 1-2 books/month. Check! I don't think it matters that a lot of them are freelance projects. Whatev.
   
9. Develop an ass. I'm pretty sure it's there, but it's still not much to look at. Because that, my friends, would require exercise.
   
10. Take care of cuticles. What was I thinking about when I wrote this? I don't care about my cuticles.
    
11. Make one new, decent friend. A dear friend from my past found me, so check!
    
12. Don't take things personally. I need a neutral third party to help me keep score on this.
    
13. Finish family tree. Hmmm. I'm pretty certain I've learned all I'm going to learn. But I did just meet my grandmother. At Macy's. You read that correctly. Yeah, it's that kind of family.
    
14. Use gym membership--or save the damn monthly payment. Hmmm. Um, while I'm extraordinarily kind in essentially paying the light bill for my gym, I'm not exactly visiting my gym. At all. Not good.
    
15. Sweep more . . . Check! I mean, not a lot. But more. Definitely more.
    
16. . . . and sleep more. Check! I will never be the sort who can sleep in on a Sunday, but I'm working on going back to sleep after feeding the cat early in the morning.
    
17. Get passport in case I need to make a quick getaway. The paperwork is filled out, but I've neglected to take it beyond that point--which is truly stupid, as this morning my momentary excitement about maybe going to Montreal was dashed when I realized I can't flippin go there without a passport anymore.
    
18. Explore a new state. Check! I dove into NYC with a vengeance in February.
    
19. Take chances. Nothing jumps out. Must put a stickie on the fridge to remind myself to be spontaneous (just kidding--I'm not that kind of girl).
    
20. Swing hips. Check! The extra alcohol consumption (see #1) has assisted me in hip swinging on several occasions (e.g., Brooklyn wedding, Boston birthday, 4th of July cabin [our hour-long tribute to MJ]).
    
21. Less thought, more action. Damn, definitely still thinking too much.
    
22. Be a woman--hot, feisty, confident. #1 has helped, but I still need to work on this.
    
23. Be unbearably, intolerably selfish. Er, as a woman living alone there's no one to a) be selfish around or b) appreciate my selfishness. However, Millie might have thoughts to share on this.
    
24. Make it work, or move. #11 has really helped me feel better, but the jury's still out. The frustration: I know I have a good situation. I'm just feeling like a few key things are not in order and I'm not sure where the fulcrum sits between these two sides of the coin.
    

Looks like I've got some work ahead of me over the next five months.

I heart Oklahoma

Now there's a title I never imagined typing.

Mummy turned me on to The Silver Needle, a shop in Tulsa. After a couple weeks of just drooling over their goods, I placed an order.

Now, I'm a bit of a sloppy crafter. I refer to it as artistic license, but the truth is that I'm just impatient and not interested in following directions to the letter. So what I appreciated about this site most was that I was able to type notes to the folks at the store about what kind of fabric I needed, but gave them the freedom to work their expertise in making purchase decisions for me. I even vaguely told them to toss in whatever specialty threads I might need for each pattern. Excellent option, and largely necessary when working on crafty things and unable to directly converse with experts!

About two days later, I received an adorable voicemail message from a woman with a serious accent with info about my order--just a check in of sorts. But the accent . . . she and I are from different worlds. I couldn't help but smile. People truly are kinder outside New England.

So today, a week or so later, I came home after a bad day and saw a package at my door. Could it be? Oh yes!

I don't typically take pictures of this nature, but I just think the folks at SN are so cool that I wanted to share. So bear with me.

First, the package. Who doesn't love receiving a package?



Then there was the fancy packaging inside:



Yay, free patterns, a pen (those of you who truly know me understand that at this point there could have been poo in the box and I'd still be excited about the pen), and some jelly beans!

And then, finally, the goods:




I'm totally digging Little House Needleworks patterns. I'm new to With Thy Needle & Thread. And I'm thrilled to have all the fabric and most of the thread ready to go. I even received a personal message on one piece of material. I know it's impossible to read; essentially they let me know they were giving me something a little different from what I ordered because it was going to be cheaper for me. I love these ladies.



And what this all boils down to now is my desperate race to finish my current project. This one has been going quickly. And I know, I know, my work is a disappointment to cross stitch pros--I am working on large fabric--I think it's 18 ct. I haven't used fabric this big in a long time, and it's just so darn easy on the eyes. And I think the pic is coming out okay regardless.



So thank you, ladies at The Silver Needle! You put a brilliant spin on my day.

Boink

Oh little brother
If only the world were as smart
Lucky would I be

***

And little brother
If you did not fear Facebook
You'd know more of me

These haiku are dedicated to my dear little brother, who has voiced displeasure at the infrequency of my posts.

Drowning in tears

I cry.

A lot.

More as an adult.

At inappropriate times and without an end in sight.

As a child, my mother said once that she couldn't attend my soccer games because they made her cry. As a 12-year-old tomboy, I thought it was a screwy excuse. I thought it was an odd way of getting out of having to watch poorly coordinated preteens flopping around on a soccer field under the sun.

But now I get it.

In college, I remember standing at a bus stop and falling into tears when a fire truck screamed by, lights blazing and siren blaring. My only thought: Someone is hurt. It was raw and embarrassing, standing in broad daylight with tears streaming down my face over what might, ultimately, have amounted to a cat stuck in a tree.

Since then, I've had similar moments. If I see PETA footage on the evening news, I break into tears. I tear up almost every morning while watching Good Morning America--whether the story is happy or sad. I welled up once in my car, listening to the live version of Indigo Girls singing "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," a song I've heard and sung aloud infinite times before. And then there was the time I held my friend's four-year-old son at Fred Penner's "Happy Feet" show. The boy was happy and laughing and clapping. I was holding him on my lap, crying, enjoying his pure happiness. Over happy feet. I know. Someone get that girl a drink.

A friend of mine became engaged last year. Like a baby, I cried when I read her e-mail announcing the news--cried with joy--just true, undeniable happiness. Not envy, not sadness. I was just happy that she was happy. More recently, at her wedding, I pulled a Tammy Faye, crying during the ceremony and letting out an audible sob when there was mention of those who had passed and couldn't be there as well as the generations to come. Ugh. Then there were the speeches during the reception . . .

And now there are the photos that are starting to circulate from the wedding. Beautiful pictures. My friend, so genuinely happy, surrounded by family and friends. I scrolled through the photos on Facebook tonight and felt my eyes watering again.

***

It begins to make sense, why I keep a small circle. Not purely because I'd be dehydrated if I cared so much about more people. But because I truly care about those I let in. It is much easier to keep people at a distance and not care too much. Hell, I've had long-term relationships with people over whom I barely shed a tear. And then I've also had relationships with people over whom I've shed too many. Dangerous business, affairs of the heart.

So what I've learned is that I can't have children, love my partner, watch TV, take the bus, or become a firefighter. All of those pose aqueous dangers. But rather than limit myself, I guess it will be easier to just stock up on tissues.