Saturday, March 13, 2010

Achy Brakey Heart

Though it's unfortunately rare, every once in a while, you talk to someone who makes you think. I got that opportunity this weekend.

This person, whom I'll call Gemini, is like no one I've perhaps ever spent time with. And since the conversation, I've had a hard time not thinking about it. And it's like this: I'm a ballsy broad half the time. The other half of the time, I'm a completely insecure mess. There. Cover blown. And here comes Gemini, who's got that fantastic screw-em-if-they-don't-like-me thing going. But the difference is that Gemini means it. I can say it, but comparatively, I don't think I mean it.

I'm challenged by Gemini's words. We both agree that talk is cheap. Actions speak volumes. However, we react very differently to Inaction. Gemini looks Inaction up and down and gets pissed and walks. I look at Inaction. And then I keep staring at Inaction. Then I tug on Inaction's sleeve and ask why. Then I brood over Inaction. I cry because Inaction doesn't comfort me. I hate myself for wasting time over Inaction. I sit under a tree close by and watch Inaction for a long, long time. Eventually, I walk away from Inaction, but it's with one eye looking back, wondering whether Inaction even notices. And while my wounds from Inaction leave me scarred like a strong warrior, I'm always just a little bit more broken.

Yeah, that's me. It took Gemini's daunting confidence to hold up a mirror that showed me completely naked and vulnerable. Pants down. Outside of work, I don't stand up for myself. Yeah, it's kind of that simple.

Years ago, way back in college, I pined after someone I'll call Local Yokel. Looking back, he was an indiot. Truly. Not bright. Liked country music, for chrissake. A 3 to my 6. But LY paid a little bit of attention to me. He didn't pursue me. We worked together and laughed a lot, and once in a while hooked up. And while I knew we'd never talk about anything that mattered to me (Emily Dicken-who?, Flaubert is not a dessert on fire?), I was, looking back, perfectly willing to put that aside for what love might feel like.

That's where I've gone wrong for a long time. I have been--I AM--constantly hoping to find love. At all costs. But costs only to me, I'm finding out. The world continues on. And I can imagine relatives who've passed away all in the room, watching with arms folded, tsk tsking my feeble walk through life. Ugh.

Gemini gave me quite a wake-up call. Gemini walks the talk. I kinda don't. Well, not in all aspects. So I'm dazed and inspired. If I'm a writer, I should be writing. If I don't like how my jeans [don't] fit, I should be exercising. Yes, my gentle audience of three, this is not a revalation. It's just that Gemini made it so obvious. So what am I going to do about it?

I turned the TV off. I'm writing. I have a book in front of me and the rest of a weekend to think about changes. I think Gemini was a good enounter for helping me with Kelly: Indecision 2010.

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